Love has always been a problem and an existencial question for me. Everybody talk about love, movies and tv-shows always show you love stories, friends always tell me “I think i'm in love”. However, I feel like i don’t understand this feeling like others. I mean, they seem so happy, so excited, like they have won 3 millions at the lotery last night.
When she is in love, my best friend acts a little like the woman on this gif and she makes words with random letters like she had invented a new language. Do you do that too ? I don’t think I do. But it’s very funny to see. A part of me is a little jealous. This euphoriant drug seems amazing.
In my part, i feel some kind of excitment at the start of a new relationship but... It never lasts very long. And that’s a real problem because my partners all ended to feel not loved enough : “You don’t like my cuddles. You don’t want to have sex with me etc...”. I don’t blame them, but I can’t blame myself either for being me. It’s hard for me, because I love them and it seems they don’t believe me. I know i’m not a big emotional and demonstrative person but i’m really taking care of people. Am I a different kind of lover ? Am I really a lover ?
I decided to watch some videos and Ted talks about love to maybe understand why i feel like something is wrong with me :
- How Your Brain Falls In Love | Dawn Maslar
- Why do we love? A philosophical inquiry - Skye C. Cleary
- The brain in love | Helen Fisher
- Falling in love is the easy part | Mandy Len Catron
- Love - you’re doing it wrong | Yann Dall’Aglio
Honestly, It didn't help me much this time, but that was interesting.
If i take the problem in a philosophical way, I feel close to buddhism which says (if i have clearly understood, enlighten me if i’m wrong) : the love based on attachment and desire only creates anxiety and more suffering. For me, love is a curse, a disease, and being in a relationship is often painfull. If I had stronger feelings in my relationships, i will probably be dead. In this case, is it maybe better to have feelings less powerfull ? So yes when we are in couple we have good time too but i don’t remember one relationship where i never felt really angry or sad. Is it better to be almost happy with someone or almost happy alone ? I’m not sure, but when i'm single, i don’t hurt myself like a partner can hurt me when i’m in couple. It's a sad truth.
According to buddhism again, love has to be compassion and understanding, not for one person (one lover, one son), but for everyone. Because when love is discrimination and possession it turns to hatred and suffering. When your entire life depending on another person, this is not love, this is not freedom, this is prison and pain.
As Simone De Beauvoir said, in a relationship we have to be great friends because you are sure that you are loved for what you are and not by some kind of blindness love. I’m deeply agree with that. I have a fun fact about that. One day i was tchating on a dating website (okcupid for the curious ones) and a man answered me “sorry i’m not looking for a friend here”. Guy, you don’t want to share anything with your future wife ? That's like we were not allowed to know each other anymore. How can i know if I love you if we don’t talk ? If we don't have anything to share ? I can’t imagine falling in love with someone who isn’t a friend or could be.
This is where i traditionally lose the men because they are too afraid about spending time with a woman and being friendzoned. I’ve been friendzoned too and i’m not crying, that's not pleasant yes but even today they are still good friends for me. Why men can't have a woman as a friend ? Grow up guys !
If i take the problem in a scientific way and sum up the Dawn Maslar point of view : a woman fall in love with a combo of dopamine which corresponds to the dating/seduction phase + ocytocin which corresponds to cuddles and sex. And finally love will come after orgasm. I think I disagree with this or I am seriously broken. Because I had a regular sexfriends once and I know I can have sex with a same man several times without developing feelings (and i had orgasm). And in the other way, I can really enjoy spending time with a man even maybe developing some feelings without wanting to cuddle or having sex with him. It’s like my dopamine and my ocytocin were not synchronized and when they do...
No, they don’t.
One other part of my problem is that i don't like much physical contact. I'm not comfortable with cuddling and that's rare i find someone with who i feel good when we cuddling and not weird. I even wondered if i was not a robot (we used to call me like that sometimes when i was at college) but no i’m sure i have feelings : loneliness, the need to be loved, pain and sadness. I’m far to be hearthless. So why can't I feel the good "top of the pop" feelings too ? Is it blocked ? Did someone punished them once ?
“Put happiness in the corner. For eternity ! Bwahahah !”
I sound a little emo like that, i ensure you it’s not the goal and I don’t feel sad when i write this. It’s just so weird seeing people feel things you don’t seem to understand. Do you know Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory ? Of course you do. Sometimes i’m a little like that, for example I don’t know how to act with people when they don’t feel good. It’s a little frustratring because you know you suck but this is all you have. No skill.
To conclude, I still don’t know how to love and why my kind of love is often so distant. Do you think i’m weird ? Please don’t answer me things like “you didn’t find The Good One”. There is no “Good One”. There are many men and women in the world who can match with you and there is no fucking destiny. You'll met many good ones in your life. Nothing last forever that's all.
I’ll finish with a Mandy Len Catron question : “How do you decide who deserves your love and who does not ?". That's the best question you can ask yourself.
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